Current State

Family.

 

I feel terrible and awful of what's happening right now. I am unemployed. I have no savings. I am depending to my parents and sister financially. We do not have so much money to spend for the maintenance medicines, series of check ups, bills, never ending bills, etc. I told my mother that I will seek a job abroad to be able to help. They're not getting any younger. They should be stress free by this time. My sister can't do it alone. She has spent probably almost all her earnings when both my parents were hospitalized last 2011 and 2012. It must be really hard for her. She's generous and am grateful for that but again, she can't do it alone. I don;t get it why my mother doesn't consider the idea of me working abroad when in fact it is what we need for our situation right now. Who would want to see her mother so stressed?!!! They want me to work here in Bataan but there's no job here. They don't want me to work in Manila either. Where the hell am I gonna find a job that will satisfy what they want??? Aaaargghhhhhhh!! It's so hard because I feel so useless. I can't even send myself to school. I hate it that they don't understand that someone in this family has to take the risk. My sister already did it when she left for US but she has her own family now. She has priorities. And I'm single. I don't even have a boyfriend whom I will left alone if I'll be able to work abroad. Why the heck are they close minded??? I will never, ever understand why!!!! Life is so hard. I wish I could just go back to the time when my worries were just my exams, assignments and papers. I wish life was that simple. But things are really tough right now and I want to do something. They just won't let me go!!!!

Heart.

We officially stopped talking again. It has been 2 weeks since our last conversation. He just proved that he only talks to me out of his boredom. He's just like them. He's insensitive and does not value friendship. I don't want him in my life anymore. I let him come back into my life too many times already and I only end up hurting. He has no idea how much I was willing to give if only he felt the same way or he at least tried looking at me but each time we talk, he keeps on reminding me why it's never gonna be us and it breaks my heart over and over and over again and he couldn't care less. He doesn't deserve my, my friendship, my time and the feelings I had for him.