The Real Deal

You are special. You always have been and will always be. If keeping you even as a friend means leaving what I feel behind, so be it. I just want to keep you in my life. You may not care and I don't expect you to do so but for me you will always the person I have met 4 years ago whom I had a special connection with.

I would imagine your face and I'd smile. I wish we could still have fun conversations for hours like we used to have. I wish I could just leave you a message whenever I want to without worrying that I might disturb you or might get annoyed. I wish I could hold your hand to let you know that you could trust me, that I care and that am not going to hurt you.

But none if these ever mattered to you. I didn't matter to you. It's breaking my heart over and over again. Who am I to complain? No one asked me to feel this way. I've had this feelings for years but I just couldn't admit it to myself. I didn't want to. I was so hesitant but here I am writing everything I feel in a blog site that can be viewed publicly. Oh well, they do not know who you are. If by any chance you get to read this, I just hope that you won't make fun of this. It may not make sense to you or to everyone else but this is how I feel right now and I have to let it out or I might just explode. I couldn't tell you all about it (well, you have an idea already and I know you think it's ridiculous) and couldn't tell anyone either. It's so hard to keep it to myself so this is the best way, to just write everything.

I know you don't feel the same way. You didn't have to tell it because I can totally read it. For the last 2 years, you made me feel that I will never be good enough for you. You talk to me about other girls and it was like you're telling me that you would date everyone but me. Imagine how that feels. It sucks! But I wanted to hear your stories. You could spend months without talking to me. I've missed you when we don't talk. You don't even know how to spell my name correctly. I made a scarf for you and you ignored it. I already have donated it for a good cause. This list goes on and on and on. There are just so many signs that I completely ignored for the last 4 years and now that I have realized it, I feel so stupid. Stupid not because I like you a lot but I should have seen it before. Stupid because I thought that when you came back, there could be a chance for you and me. Stupid because I think there's huge wall between us and I thought I could break it by reaching out to you when you won't let me in. Okay, that's enough stupidity to realize for one night but I might just think of more.

Aaah! This feels quite good. I just wrote everything as if I am talking to you in person and telling you everything makes the 'moving on' stage easier. I know I told you I have moved on already. Well, I lied. I haven't. But I will. I will because I would like to. As much as I would like to wait for you, there's only so much that a girl can do. Waiting for forever is not an option.

I want you in my life but you can't just leave and come back whenever it pleases you. I hope you realize it's not easy. When you left in 2009, I was sad but for 3 long years, I managed ti leave it all behind then you came back. Things have gotten more complicated that it ever was. Before, you had a girlfriend and it wasn't exactly a good idea to nurture what I felt. After 3 years, you still have a girlfriend (different woman though) but it didn't make a difference. Now that you do not have a girlfriend, it still is not a good idea to nurture the feelings but I did and to you, I do not exist. It's the fact that I need to eat, chew and swallow until it gets into my head.

Enough ranting. It has been a one night of an emotional realization. I will be fine.With or without you.

Realizations

I do not know him.

Hating him will definitely make things easier to forget. What he did is totally wrong. He made me believe that he wanted to see me. In tagalog, pinaasa ako. And because I thought he was telling the truth, I believed in him. Again, in tagalog, naging gaga ako dahil naniwala ako. To hate him could have been easier because I was badly hurt. But I thought, "how can I hate someone I do not know?". Sure, I know his name, birthday, where he lives (just the place, not the exact address), his line of work and some of his failed relationships. Aside from that, I know nothing about him. I do not know his likes and dislikes. I do not know what could make him happy or sad. I do not know what excites him and makes him mad. Then I asked myself, "will it make me happy to hate him? will it compensate all the pain he has caused me?" Of course, the answer is no. I cannot live a peaceful and happy life knowing that I hate someone. Not only it is exhausting to have such negative emotions, it is also a waste of time. A misery cannot be solved by another misery. Why would I spend my life hating someone when I could just shift my attention to something or someone that could bring happiness to me? I don't feel any hatred towards him. I am disappointed and hurt.

Everybody deserves another chance.

At one point in my life, I wanted a second chance or even third and fourth just to prove how important a certain person was to me. I lost my one great love and he didn't give our relationship a second chance so I know exactly how it feels not to have been given another chance. Yesterday, when he cancelled our meet up for the third freaking time, I had the choice to just ignore him. Then I remember that certain event in my life and I thought, "why won't I give him a chance to at least say sorry (which I hope he did out of sincerity) when I know how awful it is not to have another chance?" I would to think that he's really sorry and values our friendship. I just hope he realizes that I could have not given him an another chance for what he did but I chose to give him that because he deserves it whether what he did was intentional or not. I do not know what were his reasons. All I know is that things happen for a reason. I have always believed that a person's character cannot be defined by one mistake. He was wrong for his actions but it doesn't follow that he is entirely bad. I believed in the goodness that I saw in him. If I didn't give him a chance, who else will? His girlfriend for 5 years gave up on him. His most recent ex - girlfriend is now with someone else. He deserves another chance. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake.

I love him BUT he's just not into me.

What an awful reality but yeah, he didn't see me the way I saw him. I won't deny it, he broke my heart. Or that reality broke my heart. I am currently on the process of healing it. It was badly hurt. This is life, it really happens. But yesterday was just so terrible! I felt like I caught all the stupidity that ever existed. Now, I am okay. A little hurt. I still think about him once in a while. I still wonder what could have been if it was US. Are we going to be happy? Are we going to survive the long distance relationship? I wonder how does it feel to tell him 'I love you' and when he replies back 'I love you, too'. Yeah, I know those are silly thoughts. :) But hey, that is not impossible. Life is full of surprises. I just hope that he doesn't realize my worth when I have moved on already.. I love him but it's not enough that I could wait for him forever. I prayed to God that if we're meant to be together, maybe this time is too early for us, I will not give up on him. And if we're not, I will gladly accept it.

We're friends but we don't have to talk again anytime soon.

Last night was our last conversation until such time that I decide to talk to him again. I've told him that he won't hear anything from me for quite sometime because I need to put things back into places. I also told him that even though we won't be talking as much as we used to do, we will remain friends. It's just that I'm a terrible friend when my heart gets involved. I am going to miss him and our conversations but I don't think we'll have to talk anytime soon. Maybe few weeks or months from now or even years. I cannot totally move on if we are in touch. And the less I know, less pain and easier to get over everything that has happened.

Pray a lot. Pray harder. Pray when you need it and even when you don't.

I haven't been attending mass for the last few years and believe me, I am so embarrassed that I don't. I am going back soon. I just have to find my way again. But I pray. A lot. I talk to Him and when I do, it gives me clarity. He answers questions even before I ask it. He guides me to the right path. He really does wonders. He is the miracle. I would have not survived the 27 years of my life if not with Him. So when He did not give that man to me, I knew He has greater things for me. I trust Him my whole life.

True love waits.

I haven't found the person I am destined to be with but I know I will. The Lord will bring him to me when He thinks it's the right time. After all the heartaches I have been through, I just know that true love definitely waits. It wasn't Otep or Miguel or Marvin. He will come along at the right moment at the right time and for the right reasons. And when he does, I'll be ready by then.