Friday, January 21, 2011

I only talk here.

I don't have an ideal family. Well, no family is perfect. But I wish we could have been more open to each other. I am not comfortable talking to any of them about myself. Again, I wish I was but I did not grow up like that. I like to keep things to myself and do it on my own. It's probably because they never asked me what the hell is running through my head nor what I wanna do with my own damn life. I hate to say this but the truth is, they want things to happen the way they want it. Not the way I want. Neither do they listen to what I have to say. It has always been one sided. It has always been what they will say.

Just couple of days ago, I was called to talk to him. Wow. I am never used to that. Okay, I DO ADMIT that I have made a mess. A BIG MESS that is. If they only know that every time it is being talked about right in front of me, I feel like exploding with so much embarrassment. I never wanted them to suffer. I never wanted to be a burden to them but I have no way out unless they help me get out of it. I DO APPRECIATE what they have done, what they are doing and what they will do to help me. 

I was asked, "What happened?". Seriously, they should have asked me that question many years ago. I have been through so much things they don't even know. Not that I don't want to tell them but I just don't know how to talk to them. So I don't think they could still ask me what happened to me because I will never speak about things that happened in my life. I didn't speak before. I will not speak to them now. I'd rather keep it to myself. I know they also got problems of their own and that includes me. I am a problem in some ways but I didn't do what I did to cause them headache. I was wrong. I made a mistake. But talking to them about it in details is not gonna happen.

I also wish they showed support to what I want to do. They never gave me the support I needed. We are not rich financially. We do not have so much money to spend on what I want but they could have at least showed some support. There were times I try to talk to them to tell what I want to do and they just don't take it seriously. When they do that, they just give me more reasons not to ask them ever again.

There are so much things in my head that I wanna tell them. Like, 6 years ago, some guy broke my heart and I was devastated. I cried so much but they never saw it. I always hide when I cry. I never show them that I am badly hurt. I also want to tell them that I never wanted to take Economics as my college degree. Oh, I have told them about it too many times and they don't care. I want to tell them I feel so frustrated that I am already 25 and am NOTHING. I want to be somebody. I want to succeed. I want to tell them that my last job almost destroyed who I am. I did something really terrible and it's something I can never, ever admit to anyone but myself. I want to tell them that I regret every mistake I did.

But see, I can only tell those things here. I could never tell them those in person. No matter how I want it, it's just not me. And I never knew them to be a listener nor as someone easily approached.

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