Saturday, January 5, 2013

Questions and more questions

At past 10am - January 03

M: Any plans tonight?
K: Wala naman (None)
M: Kung wala ako gagawin tonight, let's have coffee (If I have nothing to do tonight, let's have coffee)
K: Okay. Just text me an hour before

At around 3pm
M: coffee tayo mamaya tapusin ko lang itong family gathering (let's have coffee later, I'll just finish the family gathering)
K: Okay

I got myself ready. And I wait, wait and wait until it's 7 pm already.

K: let's just have coffee some other time when you're available because it's already 7pm, a bit late already.

M: Ok. Sorry.

I got stood up and don't even know why he invited me when he didn't have time to begin with.

The next day, January 04.

K: I almost forgot, you still owe me a coffee.
M: Yes you owe me a coffee and a date.
K: Why do I owe you a date?
M: Let's consider it a date ok
M: Dinner and coffee
K: If you could find time, let's have dinner and coffee
M: Ok I will.

Me (thinking): And when will that be???

Another brief conversation with him at about 9pm.

K: I just remember, you mentioned a story last night.
M: Kapag nagkita tayo (When we see each other)
K: Busy ka kaya (You'r busy)
M: No I will find time for you
K: I guess I will have to wait for that to hear the story. I'd be happy to see you.
M: Same here Kay (he never gets my name correctly spelled - it's K-A-E) So it's a date

Me (thinking again): When will that be???

Okay. I know I sound so eager to see him. I am. I really wanna see him because I would to like to know how it feels to face him after three long years. Sure, I saw him couple of times over Skype but it's different to see him again in person. I wanna be sure with how I feel. But sadly, to meet up with me is a least of his priorities. It's just that I wish we could have a chance to meet up because in 5 days, he's going back to Canada and I am not sure if we'd still be communicating when he gets back considering the state of my heart. And I am not sure when will I see him again. Probably months or even years. This is my only chance and I don't think it's happening. As OA as it can be, I think I need miracle.

And there's the crochet scarf I worked on for 4 days. I made it for him because he asked for it. Now, I do not know how to give it to him. Should I still give it to him? He seemed not interested anyway. The situation I am into is causing me headache and heartaches. Yeah, so sad. I guess I expected too much from him. I thought we were these really close friends because we could talk about anything and everything and when he comes home, I get to see a friend I haven't seen for so long but I'm totally wrong. He only has 6 days left. What am I gonna do??

Ahhh! Crap!! Just when I thought that my questions were answered when I told him that my heart was in a very good condition until he came back, more and more questions popped in. I don't even know where to get answers. They're all in my mind. They're occupying my head. Imagine, I hardly slept last night!! I know I'm thinking about it unconsciously. Ugh. What happening to me???

I've talked to couple of friends about it and here are what they have to say:

Claud: Do not ignore him.

Rizza: Grab whatever you can hold onto.

Seriously, how do you not ignore someone who ignores you? Oh, I've been through this. Making effort for someone who is so good at ignoring me. And how do you hold on to something or someone who doesn't belong to you to begin with?

When it comes to these things, I don't usually easily give up. I am full of hopes because I believe in destiny (if this applies to us) and true love (again, if this applies to us). I've always believed that things happen for a reason and true love waits. Okay. The situation I am into might just be one sided. Yeah, I guess it is. This is bad, isn't it?? My poor heart. Broken and broken. And my poor mind, been over thinking.

I'd like to stay hopeful. I'd like to be positive. I'd like to continue believing in love, faith, destiny and the goodness that I saw in him. He doesn't have any idea what I saw in him. Too bad, he didn't see me. But I don't want to expect anymore. I don't want disappointments. I've shed tears more than twice. I got a broken heart already.

Is it too much to ask to be happy?? I mean, I've suffered enough when I waited for Otep for 6 years. God knows what I had to go through. Losing your one great love and moving on was a struggle. I look back at it and see how terrible my life was. Now that I've found someone I want to be with, it's not even happening. I've never been so ready to fall deeply in love as I am right now but seems like love isn't ready for me. Maybe there are more lessons I need to learn and few men to meet.

I feel stupid right now. And silly, crazy, a little hopeful and badly hurt. All these things happen at the same time because of LOVE. All because of love. The thing they call love that makes you do impossible things possible.. makes you exert an effort even you feel so tired.. and gives you reasons to hope even at your lowest point.

On the other hand, it feels good to be back at this situation because it's been so long since I felt this - the feeling that you get when you utter his name, think about him and what could have been if we're together. It gives me mixed emotions - a little scared, excited and again, hopeful.

I don't want to lose hope. I want to believe. There may be so many questions that might not be answered but at the end of the day, don't we all think that there's only one answer to lots of questions - LOVE. True love.

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