Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Real Deal

You are special. You always have been and will always be. If keeping you even as a friend means leaving what I feel behind, so be it. I just want to keep you in my life. You may not care and I don't expect you to do so but for me you will always the person I have met 4 years ago whom I had a special connection with.

I would imagine your face and I'd smile. I wish we could still have fun conversations for hours like we used to have. I wish I could just leave you a message whenever I want to without worrying that I might disturb you or might get annoyed. I wish I could hold your hand to let you know that you could trust me, that I care and that am not going to hurt you.

But none if these ever mattered to you. I didn't matter to you. It's breaking my heart over and over again. Who am I to complain? No one asked me to feel this way. I've had this feelings for years but I just couldn't admit it to myself. I didn't want to. I was so hesitant but here I am writing everything I feel in a blog site that can be viewed publicly. Oh well, they do not know who you are. If by any chance you get to read this, I just hope that you won't make fun of this. It may not make sense to you or to everyone else but this is how I feel right now and I have to let it out or I might just explode. I couldn't tell you all about it (well, you have an idea already and I know you think it's ridiculous) and couldn't tell anyone either. It's so hard to keep it to myself so this is the best way, to just write everything.

I know you don't feel the same way. You didn't have to tell it because I can totally read it. For the last 2 years, you made me feel that I will never be good enough for you. You talk to me about other girls and it was like you're telling me that you would date everyone but me. Imagine how that feels. It sucks! But I wanted to hear your stories. You could spend months without talking to me. I've missed you when we don't talk. You don't even know how to spell my name correctly. I made a scarf for you and you ignored it. I already have donated it for a good cause. This list goes on and on and on. There are just so many signs that I completely ignored for the last 4 years and now that I have realized it, I feel so stupid. Stupid not because I like you a lot but I should have seen it before. Stupid because I thought that when you came back, there could be a chance for you and me. Stupid because I think there's huge wall between us and I thought I could break it by reaching out to you when you won't let me in. Okay, that's enough stupidity to realize for one night but I might just think of more.

Aaah! This feels quite good. I just wrote everything as if I am talking to you in person and telling you everything makes the 'moving on' stage easier. I know I told you I have moved on already. Well, I lied. I haven't. But I will. I will because I would like to. As much as I would like to wait for you, there's only so much that a girl can do. Waiting for forever is not an option.

I want you in my life but you can't just leave and come back whenever it pleases you. I hope you realize it's not easy. When you left in 2009, I was sad but for 3 long years, I managed ti leave it all behind then you came back. Things have gotten more complicated that it ever was. Before, you had a girlfriend and it wasn't exactly a good idea to nurture what I felt. After 3 years, you still have a girlfriend (different woman though) but it didn't make a difference. Now that you do not have a girlfriend, it still is not a good idea to nurture the feelings but I did and to you, I do not exist. It's the fact that I need to eat, chew and swallow until it gets into my head.

Enough ranting. It has been a one night of an emotional realization. I will be fine.With or without you.

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