Hating him will definitely make things easier to forget. What he did is totally wrong. He made me believe that he wanted to see me. In tagalog, pinaasa ako. And because I thought he was telling the truth, I believed in him. Again, in tagalog, naging gaga ako dahil naniwala ako. To hate him could have been easier because I was badly hurt. But I thought, "how can I hate someone I do not know?". Sure, I know his name, birthday, where he lives (just the place, not the exact address), his line of work and some of his failed relationships. Aside from that, I know nothing about him. I do not know his likes and dislikes. I do not know what could make him happy or sad. I do not know what excites him and makes him mad. Then I asked myself, "will it make me happy to hate him? will it compensate all the pain he has caused me?" Of course, the answer is no. I cannot live a peaceful and happy life knowing that I hate someone. Not only it is exhausting to have such negative emotions, it is also a waste of time. A misery cannot be solved by another misery. Why would I spend my life hating someone when I could just shift my attention to something or someone that could bring happiness to me? I don't feel any hatred towards him. I am disappointed and hurt.
Everybody deserves another chance.
At one point in my life, I wanted a second chance or even third and fourth just to prove how important a certain person was to me. I lost my one great love and he didn't give our relationship a second chance so I know exactly how it feels not to have been given another chance. Yesterday, when he cancelled our meet up for the third freaking time, I had the choice to just ignore him. Then I remember that certain event in my life and I thought, "why won't I give him a chance to at least say sorry (which I hope he did out of sincerity) when I know how awful it is not to have another chance?" I would to think that he's really sorry and values our friendship. I just hope he realizes that I could have not given him an another chance for what he did but I chose to give him that because he deserves it whether what he did was intentional or not. I do not know what were his reasons. All I know is that things happen for a reason. I have always believed that a person's character cannot be defined by one mistake. He was wrong for his actions but it doesn't follow that he is entirely bad. I believed in the goodness that I saw in him. If I didn't give him a chance, who else will? His girlfriend for 5 years gave up on him. His most recent ex - girlfriend is now with someone else. He deserves another chance. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake.
I love him BUT he's just not into me.
What an awful reality but yeah, he didn't see me the way I saw him. I won't deny it, he broke my heart. Or that reality broke my heart. I am currently on the process of healing it. It was badly hurt. This is life, it really happens. But yesterday was just so terrible! I felt like I caught all the stupidity that ever existed. Now, I am okay. A little hurt. I still think about him once in a while. I still wonder what could have been if it was US. Are we going to be happy? Are we going to survive the long distance relationship? I wonder how does it feel to tell him 'I love you' and when he replies back 'I love you, too'. Yeah, I know those are silly thoughts. :) But hey, that is not impossible. Life is full of surprises. I just hope that he doesn't realize my worth when I have moved on already.. I love him but it's not enough that I could wait for him forever. I prayed to God that if we're meant to be together, maybe this time is too early for us, I will not give up on him. And if we're not, I will gladly accept it.
We're friends but we don't have to talk again anytime soon.
Last night was our last conversation until such time that I decide to talk to him again. I've told him that he won't hear anything from me for quite sometime because I need to put things back into places. I also told him that even though we won't be talking as much as we used to do, we will remain friends. It's just that I'm a terrible friend when my heart gets involved. I am going to miss him and our conversations but I don't think we'll have to talk anytime soon. Maybe few weeks or months from now or even years. I cannot totally move on if we are in touch. And the less I know, less pain and easier to get over everything that has happened.
Pray a lot. Pray harder. Pray when you need it and even when you don't.
I haven't been attending mass for the last few years and believe me, I am so embarrassed that I don't. I am going back soon. I just have to find my way again. But I pray. A lot. I talk to Him and when I do, it gives me clarity. He answers questions even before I ask it. He guides me to the right path. He really does wonders. He is the miracle. I would have not survived the 27 years of my life if not with Him. So when He did not give that man to me, I knew He has greater things for me. I trust Him my whole life.
True love waits.
I haven't found the person I am destined to be with but I know I will. The Lord will bring him to me when He thinks it's the right time. After all the heartaches I have been through, I just know that true love definitely waits. It wasn't Otep or Miguel or Marvin. He will come along at the right moment at the right time and for the right reasons. And when he does, I'll be ready by then.