Finally.

 This is the hopeless romantic in me. Isn't is the sweetest?

When Vincent said, "I am so in love with you"... Aaaah! I could melt with so much kilig!!! :)

It's time to let go

I love him. In fact, if only he feels the same way, I am so willing to take the risks of being with him and am not giving up. But for the past few months, things have gotten more complicated as I thought it would be. I have realized so many things. One major realization I had is that -- mahirap siya mahalin. I would have gladly accept all his imperfections if I had to but I've come to know him as someone who has different outlooks in life, love and marriage. And I guess one of the reasons why it's not going to be us because I don't share with him the same beliefs that I have when it comes to love, commitment and marriage. Somehow, his failed relationships, changed him. Another reason would be no matter how much I reached out to him so I can get to know him better, he just won't let me in. He has closed his mind, heart and life and I couldn't get in. As much as I would like to know him well, stay beside him and be his friend, he won't let me be.

I have reasons to stay and hold onto if only he want me to. And I also have reasons to let go of this feelings because it's going nowhere. I only end up hurting myself every single day that I have this feelings for him. We don't talk anymore. He only talks to me when he's bored and got nothing else to do. So I guess this is letting go and moving on.

I have hopes

I am no quitter. I am full of hopes in life and love. I don't just give up. I fight when necessary. I take the risks when worth it. But I know when to stop. It may not be him but it will be someone else - the person God will bring into my life. And I am certain that when he comes along, it's going to be at the right time, right moment and for the right reasons. :)

How do you let go of someone who is never yours?

**Images were searched from google.com**

Crazy thought!

I was watching the Hart of Dixie Season 2 Episode 10 starring Rachel Bilson as Dr. Zoe Hart awhile ago. There was a scene where she asked Wade, the guy that she likes, to be her actual boyfriend.

And I thought that to make things a lot easier for me, I should just probably ask the guy I am in love with to give it a try and be my boyfriend. I mean, who knows things could work out between us! Aaaaaaahhhh!!! One of the craziest thought I ever had in my entire life.

I just thought about it. It's not as if I have so much courage and strength do it. There's a big possibility that he will say NO because it's nothing but a crazy idea.

What was I thinking anyway???!!! Ugh.

Realizations

I do not know him.

Hating him will definitely make things easier to forget. What he did is totally wrong. He made me believe that he wanted to see me. In tagalog, pinaasa ako. And because I thought he was telling the truth, I believed in him. Again, in tagalog, naging gaga ako dahil naniwala ako. To hate him could have been easier because I was badly hurt. But I thought, "how can I hate someone I do not know?". Sure, I know his name, birthday, where he lives (just the place, not the exact address), his line of work and some of his failed relationships. Aside from that, I know nothing about him. I do not know his likes and dislikes. I do not know what could make him happy or sad. I do not know what excites him and makes him mad. Then I asked myself, "will it make me happy to hate him? will it compensate all the pain he has caused me?" Of course, the answer is no. I cannot live a peaceful and happy life knowing that I hate someone. Not only it is exhausting to have such negative emotions, it is also a waste of time. A misery cannot be solved by another misery. Why would I spend my life hating someone when I could just shift my attention to something or someone that could bring happiness to me? I don't feel any hatred towards him. I am disappointed and hurt.

Everybody deserves another chance.

At one point in my life, I wanted a second chance or even third and fourth just to prove how important a certain person was to me. I lost my one great love and he didn't give our relationship a second chance so I know exactly how it feels not to have been given another chance. Yesterday, when he cancelled our meet up for the third freaking time, I had the choice to just ignore him. Then I remember that certain event in my life and I thought, "why won't I give him a chance to at least say sorry (which I hope he did out of sincerity) when I know how awful it is not to have another chance?" I would to think that he's really sorry and values our friendship. I just hope he realizes that I could have not given him an another chance for what he did but I chose to give him that because he deserves it whether what he did was intentional or not. I do not know what were his reasons. All I know is that things happen for a reason. I have always believed that a person's character cannot be defined by one mistake. He was wrong for his actions but it doesn't follow that he is entirely bad. I believed in the goodness that I saw in him. If I didn't give him a chance, who else will? His girlfriend for 5 years gave up on him. His most recent ex - girlfriend is now with someone else. He deserves another chance. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistake.

I love him BUT he's just not into me.

What an awful reality but yeah, he didn't see me the way I saw him. I won't deny it, he broke my heart. Or that reality broke my heart. I am currently on the process of healing it. It was badly hurt. This is life, it really happens. But yesterday was just so terrible! I felt like I caught all the stupidity that ever existed. Now, I am okay. A little hurt. I still think about him once in a while. I still wonder what could have been if it was US. Are we going to be happy? Are we going to survive the long distance relationship? I wonder how does it feel to tell him 'I love you' and when he replies back 'I love you, too'. Yeah, I know those are silly thoughts. :) But hey, that is not impossible. Life is full of surprises. I just hope that he doesn't realize my worth when I have moved on already.. I love him but it's not enough that I could wait for him forever. I prayed to God that if we're meant to be together, maybe this time is too early for us, I will not give up on him. And if we're not, I will gladly accept it.

We're friends but we don't have to talk again anytime soon.

Last night was our last conversation until such time that I decide to talk to him again. I've told him that he won't hear anything from me for quite sometime because I need to put things back into places. I also told him that even though we won't be talking as much as we used to do, we will remain friends. It's just that I'm a terrible friend when my heart gets involved. I am going to miss him and our conversations but I don't think we'll have to talk anytime soon. Maybe few weeks or months from now or even years. I cannot totally move on if we are in touch. And the less I know, less pain and easier to get over everything that has happened.

Pray a lot. Pray harder. Pray when you need it and even when you don't.

I haven't been attending mass for the last few years and believe me, I am so embarrassed that I don't. I am going back soon. I just have to find my way again. But I pray. A lot. I talk to Him and when I do, it gives me clarity. He answers questions even before I ask it. He guides me to the right path. He really does wonders. He is the miracle. I would have not survived the 27 years of my life if not with Him. So when He did not give that man to me, I knew He has greater things for me. I trust Him my whole life.

True love waits.

I haven't found the person I am destined to be with but I know I will. The Lord will bring him to me when He thinks it's the right time. After all the heartaches I have been through, I just know that true love definitely waits. It wasn't Otep or Miguel or Marvin. He will come along at the right moment at the right time and for the right reasons. And when he does, I'll be ready by then.

How to heal my broken heart

My poor broken heart deserves an immediate remedy. It has to heal soonest because I don't think I deserve a broken heart after what I have been through. So here's what I will do for the next couple of days, weeks and months maybe.

1. DON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

I have been talking about it to my friends for more than a week already, most of my blog entries are about it, and I've said too much to him already so THIS HAS TO STOP. I am done talking about how terribly awful it is.

2. CUT ANY WAYS OF COMMUNICATION.

He's no longer in my Skype contacts and Facebook friends' list. I do not know his Canada mobile number. After today, we won't be talking anymore until such time I am okay.

3. BE PRODUCTIVE.

I should be really busy every single day so I won't have to think about it. I cannot promise that in the next coming days, he will be off my mind already. It's not possible but he will as I move on.

4. GO OUT ON A DATE.

This doesn't mean I need a new guy to be crazy with but I think it's about time I meet new men to open doors of finding the right one. I kinda need a social life, don't you think? But this time, I will be very, very careful. I'm always a victim of bored people.

5. EXERCISE.

Yes! I should go back into exercising. It's a good way to release bad emotions.

6. NOTE TO SELF AT ALL TIMES.

True love waits. Time heals wound. Things will fall into its places if it's meant to be.

7. PRAY HARDER.

Talk to Him when you're happy and sad. He does all the wonders. He heals a broken heart.

Personalized

The scarf I made for a friend is all set for Christmas!!! Instead of using the usual gift wrapper, I used a green box and made a crochet ribbon and flower to match the crochet scarf. I just hope he'll like it because it's hand made and really special. I made it for love. I made it for someone who will never see me the way I see him. I just wish this gift will bring a little good change between us. I suppose you know how I feel for him.