I read my blog entries last January 2013. Almost everything were about him and my feelings. Everything I wrote were mix of different emotions - anger, disappointment, frustration, hope, faith, and love. As I read each and every words that I wish I could tell him, the more that I convince myself that I love him. I have always loved him and will always do. It's just unfortunate that I can't even tell him how I feel. Or maybe he knows, he just doesn't care. He never cares. :( So it's just me and my feelings for him.
How I wish it's easy to just throw away what I feel for him but it's not. Maybe because deep inside my heart, there's still hope that one day he might just try to look at me and maybe, just maybe, he sees me differently.
I once prayed to Him and asked for guidance and answers to my questions. I told Him that if he's meant for me and tells me that he feels the same way, I am not giving up on him ever. And if he's not, I will gladly accept it. I just want to think that things are not going to happen the way I want it to be. I don't see any signs that he might feel the same way. Certainly, he doesn't. That is the sad reality of this story.
Despite everything that had happened, I still want to make pancakes for him and we'll have breakfast together. I still want to be the person who will make his heart skip a beat. I still want to be the person who will make him smile. Yeah, yeah. WISHFUL THINKING. Again and again and again.
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