A lesson I thought I'd never learn

Most of the time, it is healthy to be alone. It gives you time to think and just think about life. Yesterday, I was in a bus for 3 hour travel on my way home. I couldn't sleep so I just thought about so many things. And out of nowhere, there were significant events and people in my life that popped into my head.

Otep have been and still is my one great love. Ironic as it may be, he is the greatest heartbreak of my life. Over the years that I grieved over Otep (since he broke up with me), I fell and got hurt over and over again. And when it happens, I always end up telling myself, "You just never learn your lesson." Back then, I thought it's okay. I mean, it's part of being a human. Love and pain will always be hand in hand.

Then there came this one person whom I thought might be the one. When I met him, there was an instant connection. It felt like I knew him well enough to trust him because I did trust him. He had a girlfriend and I just wondered what would have been if it was us. Would it be happier? We lost communication for over 3 years and after that, he came back into my life. I gladly let him come in because maybe that time, it could be us. And I was wrong. It couldn't be us. It will never be us. 

M was the lesson I thought I'd never learn. With him, I dreamed, hoped, got disappointed, fell, got hurt and learned all at the same time. It was mixed emotions that I don't want to feel again. I'd like to think that he is a blessing in disguise despite all the pain I had to go through. It was an experience that taught me to think twice before I stupidly give my heart to anyone.

Now, I don't think I'd like to invest any emotions to anyone because I don't want to end up falling and picking up pieces of my heart. So I guess being single is much better. :)

Priorities????

Ugh! There's so much to do but it has to start in finding a stable job. I need to find a job by June of this year so I could start accomplishing several important stuff that I had to set aside.

1. Last 6 units of my PTC program at UPOU.
2. MBA on June 2013.
3. Dress making course.
4. Potential business.
5. Applying for a US Visa.
6. To travel alone on my 28th birthday.
7. To meet up with my friends whom I missed terribly.

I'm turning 28 in 6 months and I haven't done anything worthwhile yet! My life is terribly messed up. My priorities keep on changing. My goals have been set aside. My bucket list is still a bucket list. How sad is that. I NEED TO GET THINGS DONE.

Tuesday Rant

I was supposed to come to a job interview this afternoon today pero kumontra ang mommy ko. Good luck na lang sa akin kung makahanap pa ako ng trabaho! Buong araw ako nag isip kung ano ang gagawin ko. If I pursue looking a job abroad, I will have to give up my MBA which I don't like to do because when I finish it, it's going to be my edge to so many applicants without MBA. If I stay here and find a job (that will please my mother), I will have to deal with her stunts of pangongontra. Hello, 27 na po ako, huling huli na ako!!!

Today was such a bad day. I wanted to talk to someone about it who is unfortunately out of coverage area. He's currently the only person I can rant about anything and not only he's on the other side of the world but the other day, he gave me an impression that he doesn't want to talk when in fact, I didn't start a conversation. I was just asking a question. Yeah, we stopped talking again. It must be the things I told him about my feelings. If it was about it, I'd say it's the lousiest reason to avoid a friend. You see, he keeps on coming in and out of my life whenever he wants to and I might just get tired of letting him come in if he won't just stay. Meron naman siya lugar sa buahay ko eh. Pati sa puso ko meron. Okay, corny yan. Pero totoo. Nakakapagod din ang magtanong, mag isip at mag isip ulit. If he doesn't want to talk anymore, so be it.

What exactly am I gonna do? I have non-supportive people surrounding me. I have no job. I am at my most indecisive state of my life, torn between my life's responsibilities and dreams. So terrible to be in this situation and I feel so helpless. Ugh.

What to do? What to do?!!!!